My beautiful darling friend Jess Ainscough passed away on Thursday. I’ve never experienced the loss of someone so close to me before and I’ve cried my little heart out (and I’m sure I’m not done yet). But I know Jess would not want us to be sad; she would want us to celebrate her life.
I don’t know how to put in to words just how much she meant to me but I do know that she would want us to celebrate her life in a big, bright, happy way. So I’ve laughed and cried as I put together a bunch of pics that make me smile. This is helping me heal as we remember such a bright light in the world.
One thing about Jess was that she was never afraid to be in the spotlight, especially if it meant helping another person to embrace their own version of wellness. And as I look back over her life, I know she paid a price for this – there have been awful attacks along the way but let me assure you, she never had an ‘agenda’ – she was pure love. Just a young girl doing her absolute best to thrive with cancer, sharing her journey honestly with the world in the hope that it might help someone.
Today I want to remember her not as the ‘wellness warrior’ but as the incredible friend that she was.
Jess had this amazing ability to support and encourage you to believe that anything was possible. Even if you said, ‘I want to go to the moon!’ she would have said, ‘Yeah, just do it!’ without a moment’s hesitation. And with those few words you instantly believed that your wildest dreams were possible.
I first met Jess when we were introduced through a mutual friend because we had 3 things in common; we were in our early 20s, we had cancer and we had both started this weird thing called a ‘blog’ (we joked that we were such nerds!!) to share our journey while we tried to navigate the world with cancer.
Jess touched my life in so many ways. She was someone I could hang with. No need to speak. No need to justify anything. We could just hang.
She was infectiously positive. A few months ago Jess, Tallon, my partner Dave and I were having lunch at Ground in Mooloolaba. There was nothing special about the day but at one point she turned to me and said, “We are the luckiest girls in the world aren’t we?” I agreed whole-heartedly but when I got home I reflected on that statement, from a girl who had been fighting for 6 years for something that the rest of us take for granted on a daily basis and I said to Dave, “can you believe she said that? Jess who has so much she could complain about, is so strong and so positive.” She really was the amazing, positive beam of light we all see in her online world.
**a little update >> I said ‘fighting’ above but honestly I think I used that word out of habit (because cancer = battle for most of us) – she really did THRIVE. Not fight. She wasn’t going in to war each day; she was embraced life with open arms. Tara Bliss your post made me reconsider my choice of words – thank you for that. xxx
I’ve been playing ‘What’s your favourite Jess memory’ with some of our beautiful ‘soul-sisters’ and it’s been so fun. So many laughs and so many tears as we remember what a full life she lead.
As a ‘sisterhood’ of girls (Yvette Luciano, Susana Frioni, Tara Bliss, Rachel MacDonald, Melissa Ambrosini, Nicola Newman) we’ve been on retreats together, we’ve travelled Australia spreading the message of Self-love and Sisterhood (thanks to Yvette), we’ve dressed up in our best 90’s outfit to celebrate New Years, we’ve listened to the sweet sounds of Wes Carr in her living room, we’ve roller-skated, we’ve cried at her Mum’s funeral, we’ve laughed at her Dad’s singing, we’ve all planned and plotted to take over the world together (with love, green juice and sunshine!). She’s touched the hearts of so many of my Shine From Within students with her brave story and tips on eating from a place of love and we’ve posed together to celebrate and shine a light on kind fashion labels.
My favourite memory of Jess though is an afternoon and evening with her last Wednesday, just one day before she rose above us. Tallon, Yvette, Jess and I laughed as Yvette told stories in the beautifully vibrant way that only she can, Tallon was as positive and beautiful as ever and Jess’s eyes were bright and her laugh was big. We laughed about our fur babies and how when we compare them to people’s babies we probably don’t quite realise just how offensive that can be! We talked about how amazing Jess and Tal’s wedding was going to be – how they negotiated with the venue to get a wooden floor on the marquee so that we could all get dressed up to the nines as we celebrated their love. That was Jess – everything she did was carefully thought-out, every detail tended to, to ensure the best possible experience for everyone else. I shared my experience of attempting to discipline some young girls I had just been teaching and Jess, Tal and Yvette roared with laughter at how gently I would attempt to discipline anyone!
I didn’t think it would be the last time I saw her. But then I know that’s exactly how she wanted it.
I know in my heart that she is absolutely at peace. I just wish that the rest of us, especially her beautiful family and friends that have grown up with this shining light in their lives, didn’t have to learn to live here without her.
I find it hard to believe that I won’t hear her laugh again or hug her or text her about the latest crappy TV series we are addicted to. I find it hard to believe that she’s no longer here.
But I love her and will always love her. I know she knew that. If you loved Jess’s message, her stories and her mission here on Earth, please remember that all she wanted was for you to have the courage to forge your own path, tune in to your own body, mind and spirit and live your life. To be brave, be kind and be well.
I will always love you Jess.
If you were touched by Jess and would like to do something to honour her, you can donate to Edgar’s Mission, which holds a special place in Jess’s heart.
This is so beautiful Amanda. Thank you for a window into Jess’ kind, happy soul. xx
Thanks Sacha. You are very welcome. There are others who know her better than I do but I just felt like it was important to start getting these bright messages and memories out there. She was so so special. Amanda xx
Such beautiful words Amanda. Sending so much love to you x
Thanks so much Renee. The love is going right back to you too. xxxx
What a beautiful tribute. I’m very sorry for your loss. I have been following your journeys for only a short time from the U.S. but have been so inspired and awakened by both of your wisdom and authenticity. Thank you- God bless Jess and all those healing and celebrating her life.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words Kelly – they mean so much. xx
That was so beautiful. I never had the honor of knowing Jess beyond her blog, but like so many others she changed my life through her writing and her undeniable light. It is so lovely to hear even more about her love and her mission and the joy it was to be with her. Thank you so much for sharing.
You are so welcome Kirstin. It’s incredible to see just how many people she touched with her love-filled message. xx
Beautiful <3 <3 <3
Love you Susana baby xxxx
Gorgeous peace Amanda, it moved me to tears, in a positive way. What a special soul, and how lucky you were to have the opportunity to learn, grow and be inspired by her. Like so many, I was touched by her message and journey through her blog, following her steps from my screen and keyboard, and still, I felt so intrinsically linked to her in many ways. Such a blessing indeed. My thoughts and love and with you and her family. xx
Oh Kelly, thank you for sharing that. xx
Oh Mandy thank you so much for sharing the little bit of Jess you got to experience. I haven’t stopped thinking about this since I heard, and thinking of you, the girls, and Tallon and of course Jess’ dad. So glad you got to be with her before she left us. xxx
Thanks so much Robyn. Yes I know, I can’t stop thinking about Col and Tallon either. I hope you are cherishing that beautiful little family of yours. xx
So beautiful, Amanda. I didn’t know Jess but you have shone a light on what a formidable friend and person she was xo
Thanks Lise. Lots of love xxx
thank you for sharing your love, loss and humble attitude to both. You are such inspirational ladies and if my daughters grown up with role models like you I will be a very happy mother X
Thanks for those beautiful words Kate. xx
ohhhh you make me cry again Amanda.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I was having a listen to Wes’s song for Jess this morning and having a little teary . And her passing has shook me – how do you honour her, at the same time fight that urge to throw your hands up and say “Stuff it ! What’s the point of it all anyway”
These memory presents you’ve shared with us are so precious, thank you very much again xo
OH Bianca I haven’t listened to the song again since the concert at Jess’s but I’m sure I’ll hear it tomorrow at the memorial. I’m sure it will be just beautiful. I know what you mean, it really puts things in perspective doesn’t it? Hope you are well lovely xx
Such a touching tribute, wow! Jess would be smiling down on you right now xx
Thanks Jo, I hope she’s smiling wherever she is! xx
Absolutely beautiful Manda x x x
Thanks beautiful Jess. xxx
I am not only in deep admiration of how Jess lived her life, but how you are all stepping forward together in such love to honour her. The grace, humility and strength you share is unwavering, and while the world she lived for is going to miss her to the bottom of our hearts, the inspiration she lead with hasn’t gone anywhere.
The light that shines for each blog post, especially from within the sisterhood, is so incredibly powerful.
What an honour it would have been to know Jess, but what an honour it is to witness love like this in it purest form.
Big love to you Amanda.
Hi Phoebe, thank you so much for your beautiful words. I was reflecting on the strength of ‘sisterhood’ today actually – I don’t know how I would be coping without such a strong group of girls and we have certainly realised that we need to make more time for each other – no excuses. This event has also brought people back in to my life that I haven’t spoken to for a while – it instantly makes you realise what is important and how we can make the most of this day – now. Thanks again Phoebe. xxx
Oh Amanda, what an incredibly touching tribute (I have tears!). I didn’t realise how close you were to Jess. How lucky you are to have spent so much time with a beautiful, inspirational soul. Your gorgeous photos will always keep her close to your heart and in your memories forever. Sending you much love + light x x x
Thanks so much gorgeous girl. I feel so grateful to have known her and to have such beautiful memories. Lots of love xxx
What a beautiful friendship you enjoyed. Sending you much love. Remember Jess’s spirit is always with you, speak to her often, she is listening, laughing and guiding you. Allow yourself to feel her love for you.
Thanks Mina, that’s so beautiful. xx
Such a beautiful tribute Mandy for a beautiful soul. So much love to you gorgeous xxxxxxxx
Thanks so much Michelle. Lots of love to you beautiful xx
Thank you for sharing this. Jess has been and always will be my inspiration.
Oh Jess, she was a special soul. xx
Amanda, this post is so beautiful. I loved seeing all the pictures and learning more about Jess and her magnificent influence. What a beautiful friendship to have experienced. (I also had a chuckle at you disciplining students! I can imagine you being so gentle with them…). Big hugs lovely.
OH thank you so much Diana. She was pretty special. And yes, I’m terrible at disciplining! haha I don’t think I’d cut it as a ‘real’ teacher. Hope you are enjoying your new adventure as a teacher of a whole different kind. Baby Baybrooke must be almost here! xx
I love this so much. Jess has inspired us and keep inspiring us. thank you for sharing your story.
And no doubt she will continue to inspire us for many years to come. Thanks Yoko. xx
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing. This post is absolutely beautiful. Sending you so much love Xx
Thanks Kristee, that means so much. xx
Thanks Jess. Love you xx
Wow Amanda, thank you so much for sharing. Jess was amazing and her legacy will live on. I love your honesty, what a gorgeous tribute you have given her. XX
Thanks so much Shas xxx
I love you so much beautiful girl.
This is so sweet and tender and I’m sitting here in tears all over again.
There’s such a conflict that comes with knowing she is the light, and simultaneously missing her. It’s strange to navigate.
I love Jess and I love you. Thank you for writing this.
Oh thank you beautiful girl.
Oh I know what you mean. Friday’s memorial was such a beautiful celebration and so heartbreaking at the same time. And amidst the sadness and the beautiful happy memories, I even felt this deep anger at times last week….as you said, strange to navigate. And yet still hard to believe at times. I just saw all her messages on my phone this morning and keep talking about her like she’s still here. Which I guess she is but just in a different form.
Thanks for reading beautiful. One thing this week has done is brought us closer together which is something I’ll always cherish.
Mandy xxxx
Beautiful babe. So, so lovely and gentle. I feel so blessed we met through Jess too and committed to spending more time together with a little less ‘hibernating’. Love you. xxx
Amanda, I just came across this incredibly beautiful and heartfelt tribute you wrote for Jess. What a wonderful tribute, the photos and the words are so perfect for each other.
I’m almost lost for words after reading this but wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and those nearest and dearest to her.
She was an incredible human being and she will continue to touch so many lives.
Nicole x
Thank you Amanda. Jess touched my life profoundly and I’m grateful to you for sharing how she touched yours.
Blessings to you both, and to all of your loved ones.
Aloha,
xo.
Suzanne
Wonderful to read. Full of positive energy!
Oh goodness Amanda. What a beautiful, and yet heartbreaking story. What a beautiful soul, Jess was. Thank you so very much for sharing it with us. Xoxo
Big love to you, my friend.
Lynne xx